This is it

Well, it's a big day at the Hoefer Gainford house, and I am pumped. It's our for-real last go, and it starts now (actually in 3 hours).

We've gone all out for the final try, so if it's meant to be, then it will happen. We're doing laser acupuncture before and after the transfer, I've been doing twice-weekly acupuncture for ages, I've done hypnotherapy, and have been removing stress.

After today, we start the two-week wait. This is always the hardest part; you can't help putting the stroller before the baby. You try to remain just hopeful and optimistic, but ever little thing is a sign that you are or aren't pregnant. It's truly an emotional roller coaster.

If you've got a moment around 11.30 today, feel free to send on some positive vibes.

grrr

Just because you have a child doesn't mean that your time is any more valuable than mine. So 'parent time' does not exist on a 3:1 ratio. I'm busy too.

Overwhelmed

Does anyone else feel overwhelmed and under impressed by the state of the world, including their bodies?

Here's a list: Humans are destroying the planet, assholes are harming animals, government is controlling women's bodies (to the point of murder) and I need to work on a smaller ass, sort out the Celiac bullshit, and get a decent fucking period.

Yeah, I'm feeling it today. *sigh*

Ambition

As soon as I placed the waxing strip against my skin, I began to wonder if I hadn't been overly ambitious when I decided to wax my bikini line myself this morning. I thought we would be going somewhere with a pool, so it was, clearly, a necessary chore. As I reminded myself that the end sometimes justifies the means, I recalled that the last time I did this, and the only successful time I'd done it myself in over twenty years of 'management', I only used half of a strip. But it was too late for that, now. Much much too late.

In the end, not a horrible effort. I did do both sides this time. (The first time I tried to do it myself, out of girlish embarrassment, I only got halfway through the process. Well, I'll round-up to half-way.) There is some very minor bruising, and a tiny bit of tenderness where some skin came off. I didn't go for a pre-pubescent look, so normal activities can continue... you know, like wearing clothes, and such.

All told: Success!

Cough cough, sniff sniff

I'm still sick. It's the third weekend in a row that I've been sick. It sucks.

The first one, was not like this at all. But I'll post about that soon. This time I've got a sinus thing and chest thing going on. Usually I'm cured in a week. Not this time.

But! Never fear! It's not going to stop me from making jam today. 1. Because I'm not so sick that I'll be coughing or sniffling into the jam. 2. I'm splitting a bucket - a big bucket - of pre-cut & hulled strawberries with Tou Tou. It's basically going to be the easiest frickin' jam session ever.

I'd better get those jars out of the garage now. I want to be prepared as possible to get going once our house showing is over.

Yoga

Did my first yoga class in ages tonight. I've been sticking to Pilates the last couple of years, but decided to return to my roots. :o)

1. Easiest yoga class ever.

2. Don't wear a regular bra to yoga, even if it's an easy class. Under wires have no place at yoga, and just bruise your boobies. Nobody wants bruised boobies.

My head hurts

My friend had been posting for a couple of weeks about these migraines he'd been having. Apparently, he thought they were from Pepsi Max. Everyone (including me, because I'm basically an expert on cleanses and withdrawal from food items, although my caffeine withdrawal knowledge is all second-hand) was making recommendations. You know, drink plenty of water,ween off it with green tea first, try these smoothies, blah blah blah.

Nothing was working for him, and then he posted that he decided to go to the hospital (since his partner is a GP, I allowed myself a bit of more serious concern). So, hours and an MRI later, he's been diagnosed with a mass in his head. Decisions will be made tomorrow, but I'm so freaking upset/sad/weepy/disillusioned/angry/self-pitying.

Okay, let me be clear, no, 100%, this is not about me. Well, this blog is, but this event is not. That said, when something so shit balls happens, and it's happening to a friend that you admire and love, it feels like it is kinda about you. It's about the potential struggle and challenges that are bound to happen. About how you want to be there, holding their hand for every difficulty, but since that could be weird, and slightly impractical, you have to try to use words to articulate that you'd bring them a casserole, or a Dairy Queen cake with, 'Superjob' written on it, or maybe even a pie.

This is also when I feel like this shit isn't fair. I feel like I'm not ready for friends to go through this. I'm not ready for this at all. I resent disease/sickness, because I've already seen enough. I also resent that it's been ages since I last saw him & his family, and the guilt that comes with that knowledge.

So yeah, I know this isn't about me, but it's about a part of me that's my friend. And for now, I set aside my own fears, and we focus on his. Stay strong buddy, we're thinking of you & sending loads of hugs & squishes. You have a lot of responsibility; I'm expecting an amazing recovery. xo

Make it so.

Yesterday we met with our fertility specialist.

Basically it went like this (please note, I am paraphrasing portions):

Me: we had planned for this most recent try to be our last time, but I feel cheated from the first go because of the ovarian hyper stimulation, so I don't feel like my body was at 100% effort. When I talked to the nurse, she said there was a problem with my lining, and we should have a meeting with you.

MD: You're crazy to stop. You have amazing embryos. We just need to get the lining under control. Also - have you considered a surrogate?

Us: But it's tough emotionally for us.

MD: You have fantastic eggs. Don't stop. Let's do this plan... (blah, blah, blah & details).

Me: I'm no quitter, and I'm a sucker for punishment! Let's get on the hell-ride of a roller coaster again!

G: Uh oh.

*later*
Me: G, I feel guilty about reneging on our 'last try' promise, but I also feel guilty about not giving you babies. I think my guilt about no babies is more than going back on my promise, so that's that.

G: I don't resent you. Believe me.

Me: Trust no one!

*even later*
Me: You don't think we'll ever buy a boat, do you?
G: Not now.
Me: Well, I have a plan. Let's sell the house, buy a different house, buy a boat, take the extra time to fix it up, and then next summer year, we'll leave on our adventure.
G: (Oh no, what do I do? That's a great idea, but my automatic response is to dismiss her suggestions.) (With a smile) That might work!

And joy abounds.

Traveling Green

This is a pretty exciting find!

As someone who's been traveling and mostly staying in hotels this last week, it's been interesting to note how few hotels in California have a separate bin for recycling in rooms, and generally how much waste is created with disposable items.

Now there's this: http://www.greenkeyglobal.com/default.asp

You can search the site to find hotels that have committed to not be jerks and want to do more than just put a sign up asking you to not use a billion towels.

Whoo hoo!

Can't sleep

Today's the big testing day, so my body wanted to be up in time to get to my blood work appointment 4 hours later.

Did a pee test this morning - it's a negative. Logged on to Facebook and the first fecking picture I see is an ultrasound of a baby.

Must give up my Facebook account, I think.

Day 9 of 12 Day Wait

Have been having some spotting for the last few days. I've been kind of panicky and a bit nervous, but of course, trying to stay positive.

But, thanks to Google and the Internets, I'm feeling a lot better now. It seems almost everyone doing the endometrin suppositories has pink on their plasticky thing and some spotting to go with it.

Here we go!

Round 2 - it's like a season finale over here!

We're going in for our last go at getting knocked up tomorrow. Here's hoping it works. I think they're going to plop two embryos in, we'll hang out for a bit, we'll probably have some dosa, I'll head to work, and then we wait 10 days or so.

It's awesome that the time is finally here, but a bit scary too. I mean, c'mon - we've agreed that this is our last go, so after this, our lives will be greatly influenced by either being pregnant, or not.

We have plans for either scenario, which I feel good about. It's good to have a plan!

So yeah - crazy/nerve racking/exciting but I think the exciting wins for now.

Round 2 - Begins!

Once you have frozen embryos, the process is a bit different.

I've been on estrogen since Day 1 - Period Day 1, that is. The first week is 2 x day, the second week 3 x day. It's easy, because it's just pill, so you can take it anywhere; it's hard, because you're supposed to take it at the same times. It's been over two weeks, and I'm still surprised when the alarm goes off! While Estrace is no Puregon and whatever else I took to brew my millions of eggs, it still totally messes with you: weight gain, emotional sensitivity, and because of my psoriatic arthritis, increased joint pain. I will not miss taking this Estrace, but I think I stay on it for 10 weeks, if this works out.

Anyway, the timeline is this: tomorrow, I go in for my first ultrasound. They'll decide if the lining is good to go. I start Endometrin, after the ultrasound, and also take that for a million weeks. If the lining's not great, we'll do Monday next week.

So, 16 or 17 days from now we'll know if I can do some baby clothes shopping in California, or if I'll be drinking my face off, eating soft cheeses, and going in the hot tub every night.

Wish us luck!

Bloody Fail

Awesome. I can get a nose bleed, but not my period. #fail

Bistro 72, Surrey

Had an amazing meal this evening at Bistro 72.

They accommodated my celiac ness, as well as my vegetarianism, and fungi-freeness as well, with grace & special meal making.

We had way too much food: nachos, beet salad, fries, roasted pepper, chips, and chocolate pâté. A few delicious drinks, and notable service, and we are happy diners!

Yay!

Plan-et

See what I did there? It's a pun. Cause we're starting to plan it. Nailed it!

In keeping our options open, G & I have started looking at boats. He's getting The Spice Necklace, or whatever the follow-up to, An Embarrassment of Mangoes, is called.

We may just end up traveling the world, with our cats in life jackets, and with me learning to eat fish, or at the very least, meat of some sort.

I'd have a tan! And sea-sickness, but word on the street, or ocean, as it were, is you get over that, and, as mentioned previously, I would also have highlights.

Bliss.

Belle's

Holy gluten-free tasty awesome, probably super high fat, but I don't care, so please don't tell me that kind of shiz, deliciousness in the form of edible treats!

Where's this you ask? The corner of 140th and 32nd Ave in South Surrey.

This girl ain't lying!

Another White One

If I don't eat knocked up this time, I'm totally getting highlights.

I Think I Get It

I think today I finally understood why people spend bazillions of dollars on trying to get pregnant. Another friend (so five this year & six, two years ago) is pregnant. We are, of course, beyond delighted for them, and once again, feeling lots of self pity for ourselves. I am unfortunately & have been told illogically, overwhelmed with guilt.

And that's when it hit me. We have loads of embryos, why don't we just keep trying until we get pregnant, or run out?

I know I've said I'd never do the whole brewing eggs business again, since I still haven't recovered and it was super horrible and shitty and basically an f'ing nightmare, but... BUT... It's not going to be too bad to plop the eggs back in. I just have to take some drugs, endometrin & progesterone, and then spread'em wide... Okay, the whole 'through the cervix' thing sucks, there is that. But overall, not so bad.

And that folks, is why you set limits. And maybe decide to break them. Here's hoping we don't have to.

Basically.

The best movie ever. Basically.

A Sleep Infographic

Turns out, I love infographics.

Get health and fitness tips at Greatist.com

Expect the Worst, Hope for the Best

Yesterday and the day before I had a tiny bit of spotting. Of course it was a niggling, cause when you've tried to get pregnant for a gazillion years, that's what happens. Truthfully, I wasn't too worried, because, according to the Google Answer Machine, this is decently common. Today I've started spotting more. Now I am less not-worried/disappointed/sad.

Gluten-Free brown rice Rice Krispie Squares

Did you know that these are now called Rice Krispie Treats? Also! The recipe has changed! Since it's been a while since I made what is truly a specialty of mine, I thought I'd double-check the website. *sigh* they don't even add vanilla? What has the world come to?!

You can tell these aren't the regular Rice Krispies, but they aren't far enough off that it will either matter or taste weird. You can still give them to people you like. I promise.

I melt about 1/4 of butter, then a bag of marshmallows, add about a teaspoon of vanilla to the melty mix, and then pour in Rice Krispies until it's at the ratio you like. I prefer gooey over crisp, so I stop with the cereal when it still looks like there's a tiny bit too much on the marshmallow side. Because it's not.

Transfer to a buttered (lightly) square/rectangular or whatever shape you like, dish, cool, cut, enjoy!

Yay!

I finally get to leave the house. We're going to go to TJ's and Black Pearl.

In other news - measuring your pee sucks.

Gluten-Free Sophie's Cosmic Cafe

Whoo hoo!

Sure, I wanted Eggs Benny at Sophie's today, but I do love me some omelette, so it wasn't a great sadness to order & eat that business.

When I said no to the amazing & delicious Sophie's bread, our waitress offered me some GF toast instead. Yes, please!

I'm pretty sure it's just your standard loaf of Udi's, so it didn't blow my mind, but having the option did. And they had raspberry jam already at my table, which rocked. Love you, Sophie's!

No Unibrows, Please

Hopefully, in just over 37 weeks, we'll be able to say that this is it's first picture.

W00t!

Transfer Day

7 years ago today, my mom passed away. Today, we're doing the egg transfer.

Egg Out

They retrieved 33 (!) eggs today. Should be a couple of good ones in there. :o)

Will know the final count of good ones tomorrow. In the meantime, I need to take tomorrow and Tuesday off work and there's to be no working out for a month. Boo hiss.

Go time!

Sitting in the recliner, heating blanket & wooly socks on, waiting to get de-egged. A nurse mentioned hatching, and I loved it!

Day 10

Best IVF video EVER! Turns out I've got some OHSS going on. We're going to do the egg retrieval tomorrow morning, and hopefully plop a couple of eggs in on Wednesday or Friday. W00t!

I'm a bad person

How wrong is it that as a guy waked by in a backwards leather beret, I thought: ugh, he shouldn't have children. In my defence, he also had a horrid gotee & and leather jacket.

Day 6

G gets gold stars for making me lunch, bringing me a hot water bottle, an extra blanket & a kitten.

I get a NI for taking too much medication today. Honestly, I am so tired, I'm surprised that's the worst thing that's happened.

In other news, have I mentioned the boulders in my belly? And the freakish amount of mucus? And the sharp shooting pain? Consider them mentioned.

Day 5

Aliens, of Aliens fame have invaded my body. Or else I'm becoming the queen Alien. I am brewing eggs like they're going out of style. They may take over my body like worms & then I'll explode.

Ultrasound and more blood work tomorrow.

Day 3 Later

The rage is building.

Salt

Could I just put salt on my tongue? Is that gross?

TJ's Polenta

Last night we finally broke into the Trader Joe's Creamy Polenta. It's a handily prepared, frozen meal that's gluten-free. It was pretty close to as easy at it gets. You just dump it into a skillet/pan, heat up and it's ready to go. It was decently tasty. You could tell it wasn't homemade, but considering that wasn't going to happen, we pulled through. The texture was good, and it wasn't overwhelmingly creamy sauced. Also - there were peas in it! And I like peas. I would buy this again.

Day 3

This morning it feels like my ovaries are being wish-boned from my uterus.

I could still happily lay in bed all day and have the occasional weep-fest, but I'm way too full of hunger for that kind of business. That and I'm helping G run cables today. I wonder how that's going to go.

Day 2

You know how there's a side-effect called, 'general malaise'. I have that.

The injections are going well. It's the sharp cramping, bloating and 'sensitivity' that's difficult.

Went to bed early last night, but didn't have a great sleep. It's gonna be hard dragging my butt to Pilates this morning.

Rage level: so far, low. Could definitely lie in bed and cry my face off though.

Day 1 - later

Honeymoon's over. Starting to feel 'full' and full of grumpiness. Is it PMS, or side-effects?

Rage level: beginning to feel the brewing of irritation.

Flax 4 Life Muffins

You can get these muffins at some Whole Foods, but we get ours at Fred Meyer in 'Merica. They are gluten-free (obviously) but have some good flavours. Our favourite is the chocolate chip; you feel like you're having a bit of a treat. Warning: they do have a load of calories, so don't be thinking you're going to have this and then a second breakfast. Since they are jam-packed with flax (as the name suggests) and you'll be so full, you probably won't even entertain those second breakfast thoughts anyway. Despite the high calories, I would definitely recommend chomping on these muffins. Microwave them for 25-30 secs, and feel free to store them in the freezer. 2nd Warning: these will regulate the shit out of well, your shit. Say goodbye to any fibre issues you may have had. That's a good thing though, right?

Day 1

This morning was our first injection in preparation for IVF. Gerry had put the menopur in the fridge last night, so it was a bit cold and stingy going in, and I ended up breaking one of the Q caps. In the past, this probably would have thrown me off. Not so much now. I just googled if it's okay to have kept it in the fridge, consensus seems to be it's fine, and I'll just get another Q cap later. Meh, no biggy. For the record, and because I may hate him by the end of this week and may need the reminder, Gerry's been lovely & supportive. We're both excited, not just because the odds are slightly in our favour this time, but because we're going to either be doing this, or closing this door, so that we can jump out the open window. Day 1: So far, so good. Rage level: none